If I take a good hard look at myself, how I feel, my physical appearance and mental clarity, the list of all the symptoms really starts to add up. Thyroid disease and serious inflammation has ravaged my body for years. YEARS. Starting with being Hyper until turning 16, having a lobectomy due to a mass on half of my gland, then finally turning Hypo thereafter, I am no stranger to feeling continuously awful. Assessing myself, honestly and accurately, is something I do not like to do.
Organizing all of the discomfort I cope with daily into what feels like an account of my existence makes me angry.
And sorry for myself.
And like I have no true value.
And sad. Sad to the point I tear up as I type this.
Sad because I cannot explain *exactly* how I actually feel and that, what seems like a massive list of 30 symptoms, doesn’t even begin to describe my level of exhaustion, my lack of hope, my acute awareness of not only feeling but KNOWING I am not truly understood by the people around me.
My husband, not knowing the emotional damage it causes, and sincerely not trying to hurt me, says, “Stop yawning! You haven’t stopped since you got in the car! You’re always so tired.” Or my sweet daughter, not knowing my level of brain fog, cortisol and feelings of being overwhelmed, says, “Mommy, are you having a bad day?”
There is no way I could sit here and type just the right English words into just the right order to then spark your mind into a place of compassionate, perceptive understanding of the struggle of Hypothyroidism.
And what makes it all worse, what creates another layer of frustration, is my symptoms are, for the most part, invisible. Not even blood work can consistently pinpoint specifically how to make me feel better or how to gauge what is wrong. Why? Because often times I test on the low side but still within the normal range and the doctor tells me I’m fine.
I could punch a hole in the wall.
I. AM. NOT. FINE.
That doctor gets to go home, eat dinner, take a shower, go to bed and sleep FINE because my blood work is “normal” and his/her conscience is clear. How can this be? How can a DOCTOR do nothing but discredit, invalidate and dismiss all that I’m feeling is wrong because a number on a piece of paper says I’m normal?
While some days are harder to grasp this than others, I’ve come to realize I am not my thyroid disease. Hypothyroidism doesn’t define ME. There’s a separation there and the symptoms that feel routine to me are just my body letting me know something is wrong and that it desperately wants to heal.
THIS is why I have decided to begin the Autoimmune Protocol (AIP) diet. THIS is why something has to give, has to change. I’m tired of being tired. It’s been long enough. The symptoms I’ve listed below are my ‘why’ and motivation to see this through. I did a soft start on June 1st and have eased into being fully AIP compliant however, it’s time to take it seriously. No looking back, no falling off the wagon, no succumbing to cravings, temptation and social events.
It’s time to heal.
My Current Autoimmune Symptoms
Premature Wrinkly Hands
Black Hairs on Face
Trouble Staying Asleep
40lbs of Extra Weight
Slow Hair Growth
No Desire to Dress Up
Feeling Overwhelmed Easily
Running into Door Frames
Overall Lack of Motivation
Lapses in Awareness
Slow Heart Rate
In addition to AIP, I am actively seeking out a new doctor. It has taken me years to gather enough energy to do this. Pouring out my life story to someone new, all the paper work, all the supposed understanding and promises to help are exhausting.
But I will persevere this time. I will be an advocate for my health and a warrior for my well-being. At 30 years old, I feel wrecked. I feel ancient. But I also feel like self care, dense nutrition, a helpful doctor and determination will manifest healing and remission.
One day at a time.
Just in case you’re not sure what Hypothyroidism is..
Just in case you’re wondering with the Autoimmune Protocol (AIP) diet is..
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